So a few weeks ago, I was at a reliable outdoor retailer and found Hillside Self Heating Coffee. There were a variety of flavors, but I figured a French Vanilla Latte would be the safest to try. I thought it would be the perfect addition to my banding trips in the Duluth. After a night in the van, a warm can of self heating coffee would be a great way to start the morning in a cold blind waiting for hawks to fly in.

The instructions told me to remove the seal on the bottom of the can, turn it upside down and then push on the button until the green water disappears. The green water was supposed to go into a part of the can that would heat the coffee. I was curious how the the green water heated the coffee and what was in place to keep it from mixing with the coffee.
From there, I was supposed to put it on a flat (flame proof) surface. Frank didn't seem too excited to have it heat in the blind, so I set it outside to warm up. There's a pink dot that turns white with the coffee is heated. After about ten minutes the pink dot turned white, I opened the top and took a sip. HORRIBLE, AWFUL, ROTTEN, EW! I took another sip just to be sure. HORRIBLE, AWFUL, ROTTEN, EW! I'm not a coffee snob--I'll drink gas station coffee. The only time I found coffee undrinkable was in a tiny town in Utah and I figured it was due to the town's aversion to caffeine...this was worse. I was seriously concerned that some of the mysterious green water that heats the coffee made its way into the coffee.

I wanted to pour the beverage out, but noticed what was on the lid. It practically orders you to drink it from the can (telling you to enjoy it is just asking a little too much). I wondered, were they trying to tell you that it tastes better in the can or that it was a hazard to release out into the world if you don't drink it.

So, for the record, if you come across any Hillside "self heating" beverages--do not go there. Even if it's on clearance and think "what could it hurt?" It'll hurt your tongue's feelings. And I did a little googling tonight and found some interesting blogs about Hillside:

Extinct Beverage Tasting (yeah, it's extinct for a reason).

and

Hillside Coffee and their Hot Cans of Doom (unlike this blogger, I didn't get injured)

and as if that wasn't enough:

An FDA Recall notice:

"REASON
Self-heating cans containing beverages and soups may be contaminated with spoilage organisms or harmful pathogens due to leakage of the can seam."

Hillside is the worst coffee I have ever tasted in my life. I would rather drink coffee (with cream) that has been sitting at room temperature for 48 hours, than ever drink this again. It was so bad, I need a cleansing falcon:

Doesn't this shot of that tundrius peregrine falcon look like a good FaceBook profile shot? It says, "I'm hot but can have a good time and maybe just a little bit of fun wackiness is mixed in!"